Tales from my Grayspace

Untitled Poem for the New Year

2012-01-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

You look like a memory, I don't know yet
The smell of you
All sweet and spice
The taste of you
All salt and earth
You touch me
Hard and exact, eager and vulnerable
I feel you
All smooth and rough
Taut against my tongue
Feverish beneath my fingers
I don't know you
But I remember you

Demetria Dixon

I AM A WRITER

2010-11-14T13:35:00.000-08:00

I am a writer. I am often misdiagnosed as a jack of all trades because I make a concerted effort to run away from the gift. It is a burdensome gift. Those who carry it know. Especially when I find myself in my current state where it is now what God has designated for me to use to earn my keep. I am not claiming to know the mind of God. I take all my cues from my current situation. I have wonderful skills however; I cannot seem to be able to buy a job, even if I had the means. It is as if God is saying very clearly; by gum, I have given you this talent and you will use it. This requires that I commit to and focus on a task at hand. These are not two of my favorite things.

I am a writer. Not to be confused with a novelist or poet. A writer is not bound by genre though there are those purists who feel that one must excel at some certain thing to call themselves that. I am a writer; a crafter of story. If that story takes a notion to render itself in iambic pentameter, or iconic prose or forthright essay, is never a foregone conclusion. It is the story that I live for. The literary sculpting if you will. A story is as much visual as it is literal. I see what I am saying. Laying word and phrase atop one another in ever escalating action. So that when I am done it is whatever it needs to be. It glows brightly or hotly. It is lustily wanton or monastically prosaic. It is whatever it needs to be in service of the story. I will tell the erotic story of coitus with equal joy as the religious epic with piety. It is whatever the story dictates.

Being a writer is a taxing task. There are some who have run far from the siren call of pen to paper or finger to key. Though we run, the lure of the pen is indeed mightier than the sword. The power of words cannot be discounted. God spoke and existence came into existence. Salome said bring me to and it was brung. Martin Luther decreed and it came to pass. The constitution is merely words but we fight and die to protect the sanctity of it. It is a living breathing instrument of history and jurisprudence but its most humble beginnings was as a thought that one man had and shared with other men who understood and enjoined him in the vision of a document that would guide men to make decisions with regard to life and living.
The bible, believed by many to be the God ordained, God breathed word of life is still at it core words written by a writer. In the beginning was the Word. Those of us who have been entrusted with words have a solemn duty perhaps even a moral imperative to use them.

Please don’t mistake me for a grammarian or a punctuation specialist. I am not. Again there are the purists who find fault with this supposition. I am not run amok across the page like the proverbial bull in the china shop. I appreciate technical ability but the lack of a participle dangling precariously or a blatant misuse of the present pluperfect does not cause me to lose sleep. Perhaps if I took a moment to consult with EB White or that Strunk fellow, I would find that there are participles dangling all over this page and many of my plu’s are less than perfect. As it stands, there are times when I get confused and think that being a writer means that I can write anything. It only means that I will write anything. I understand that this sounds flagrantly contradictory. It may be the height of contradictoriness.

If the writer is slave to anything, it is the muse. The muse demands our allegiance and interrupts us like an oversexed strumpet to get our attention. I believe this of writer’s block. Writer’s block is what happens when we try to contradict the muse. The muse may say write the name of the first boy you ever dated 37 times. The intellectual within us says that is not noteworthy but the muse has her reasons. What do those 37 times conjure up? Where does your go that your pen is sure to follow. The muse is very crafty. You may think you have nothing to say but the muse will lead you to the story. It may be a circuitous trip but always trust the muse.

Getting to Me

2010-10-12T10:37:00.000-07:00

I was missing, couldn't tell you where to find me. I got lost behind the dissappointments and the expectations. Suffocated by worry about my flaws when it is the flaws that make me great. Running from the implications of all the things I didn't become. Because I thought it mattered. In the grand scheme of things when all that is left is dust, it will not matter what you thought of me. All that will matter is what I did for me to make it better for all of us. So much time wasted being who I thought I should be. So much time wasted, getting to me.

Retrospect: The Muse of Circumstance

2010-08-28T23:40:00.001-07:00

Inspiration has struck. My muse is my circumstances. Life brings with it, reverses. During times like these we can let pride get the best of us. We keep our selves secret, owing in part to shame and in part to pride. Shame because allowing people in would, in turn, allow people to see how bad it has become. It would mean peeling away the façade and allowing people to see the mess life had become both figuratively and literally. Even at those times when we feel that we are truly putting ourselves out there we are still only showing people a portion of who we are and what we want them to see. The niggling thought always persists: If they really knew me, would they still like me. If they really knew the idiosyncrasies and secret thoughts that make me who I am, would they understand?

The loss of relationship whether it be a love relationship or a friendship smarts all the more at these times. Yet it seems that often the underpinnings of the tenuous bonds of temporary friendship come undone at times like this. The why of it an ever present reminder of the turn's life can take. Who was at fault? Who was right? Who was wrong? Time shows us what is truly important as all of the questions fade into obscurity and only memory remains. Our perception is our inalienable right. Relationships are transitory. Change is the inevitability of life. It is the uncontrollable control that drives us forward. Whether we accept it or not has little to do with its inexorable workings in our lives. Our fortunes, loves, looks and ideals change whether we ordain it or not.

A Change Will Do You Good

2010-08-28T13:38:00.001-07:00

"A change will do you good; I think a change would do you good."

Thank you, Sheryl Crow. I like to think this type of change is the carefully planned change of one completely in control of one's destiny. When I find someone like that I will see how that works out. Most of the time change is thrust upon us by circumstances and we don't get to plan how we will deal with it because, well we're too busy dealing with it. Someone said life comes at you fast and this may be the truest statement I've experienced. Not only does life come at you fast but it comes at you early and often. Expecting the unexpected is fast becoming America's new pastime. That is not to say that the unexpected is always the unwanted or better yet the unneeded. Many times we need to be wrenched from our seat of complacency. Sometimes it's just life's way of telling us. Hey you're gonna be dead a lot longer than you're going to be alive so get everything you can out of the living years. Either way, the unexpected is coming. I'm a practitioner of the law of attraction which tells us that we can plan our lives. Humor me for a minute while I circle back to my topic. My first few statements may seem to fly in the face of this but I've found that the mysterious workings of fate all coincide to give us what we have prayed for. The problem with this is that the course is not always smooth and the packaging not always pretty.

Losing everything and returning to square one often seems like the cruelest of ironies but really sometimes you have to start over. Sometimes you have to pare down to the essentials. There is nothing like losing everything to make you aware of what you really can live without. The list of what we need to live has not changed in millennia. Food, clothing and shelter, that's it. Not pretty clothes, not gourmet food and not a mansion. If you have an understanding partner, the clothing may be optional, unless you work. Employers are not real big on nude asses. Don't misunderstand me. I'm down for whatever material trappings life sends my way, but now I know I can survive whether I have them or not.

Many times losing feels like winning and winning feels like losing. The only way you find out which is which is buckling in and riding the wave and seeing where the beast coughs you up. Sometimes you'll acknowledge your true path and other times you'll chart a new course. Time in the belly of the beast definitely gives one perspective.

Object Lesson: Killer Whales Kill

2010-02-25T06:24:00.000-08:00

**Thanks to Linda Ann Nickerson's Meme Express for prompting this.**

Shocking

We're an interesting bunch and what I mean by we, are people. We operate from a position of sovereignty, obviously with the expectation that everything in the world will get in line with our wishes. I believe in the power of belief to redefine our circumstances, but many times we try to extend this power to animals and people with less than great results. We domesticate animals and manipulate people, but often seem shocked when they act outside of the ways we have prescribed. However, in a world where the obvious ridiculousness of this stance often goes unnoticed, nature will rear it's head to represent. In just such a representation, an Orca at Sea World killed it's trainer while the audience looked on. The audience is just extraneous information, put there to amp up the shock value. I'm sure there are lengthy diatribes being written on both sides of this incident. Pro-animal rights folks and Anti-animal rights people see their chance to take a stand. However, that's not where I'm coming from.

Sure of our power

We are often so enamored by our own power that it never occurs to us, that the thing we have brought under our submission will become self aware. Now in the case of the Orca, he'd killed before which makes this all the more topical. Let this be a lesson. It's a lot harder to take the wildness out of something than you think. Whether, it's a lion, a tiger, a bear or that chick or dude you met at the Piggly Wiggly. Many times we can so domesticate something that it no longer recognizes it's own power. However,all someone or something needs is realize and acknowledge their own power and the game changes.

Respect

This life lesson isn't about fear but more about respect. Having a healthy respect for the innate power of people and things is a good idea. Because as much control as we think we have, that's as much control as we can lose when things go wrong and the consequences can be deadly. We love the people and animals in our lives but must understand that we never have full control of anyone but ourselves. Respect that.

It's over

2009-12-30T07:29:00.000-08:00

It's over. Two words. Technically a contraction of three words. Yet when you hear them they hit you like a ton of bricks. Even in those instances when it should be over; should probably have never started, it still smarts. It's like driving aimlessly. You aren't going anywhere but it's better than going home to an empty bed in an empty house.

It's over. Those words taste like failure. Just hearing them makes me want to take back all the things I said even if I meant them and they needed to be said. Perhaps it's my dysfunction rearing its head. The appeal of staying in something with no real benefit just to assure your self you're worthy. The truth is, no person defines our worthiness. However, that knowledge is cold comfort when you turn over and there's just the cool side of the mattress.

Maybe as enlightened as my outer adult is, my inner child is equally steadfast in maintaining the status quo. You'd think letting go would be easier when you didn't really have all that much to hold on to, in the first place. It's not. It's sadder even because I feel like I never got to prove myself. I never got the chance to show you how wonderful I am. Truth is it wouldn't have mattered but it would have been nice to trot it out and run it around the yard a couple of times. Rejection's a bitter curative but like castor oil it all works out in the end.

Fu Manchu and Middle Age

2009-09-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

I'm getting ready to go out the other evening and I notice a hair on my chin. This is not uncommon for a woman of a certain age. I know that I am a certain age as I have crested the hill of 40 and am barreling down the other side. However with my age has come a degree of wisdom and comfort with myself. I understand more about my body. I'm secure in my sexuality and sensuality. I understand that there is more than enough of everything I'll need. So, like I said, I notice this hair. Now this isn't a soft downy hair but more of a Fu Manchu style whisker. So I'm thinking to myself. How do I not notice this? I look at myself everyday and I can't have become so complacent about my visage that I don't notice this. So I decide there's nothing to be done but pluck it out. Tweezers and alcohol and I'm good to go, you'd think. While the hair follicles on my head might be more forthcoming with the hairs than in my youth, my facial hair follicles have employed a new found strength, I wasn't aware of. I mean, I've been tweezing my eyebrows for a while so I have mastered the complexity of the tweezer, lest you think it was operator error. I rub the offending hair with alcohol to avoid infection and then grasp the firmly between the tweezer end and pull and out it will come. That is generally how this works. It's a thankless task. But no!!! Not only doesn't it plop out but the end of the hair breaks off so now I've got a stubborn short hair to try and pluck out. I won't bore you with the gory details, but suffice it to say it was a fight to the bitter end. Though, I prevailed. I got to thinking. This calls into question my initial take on a number of things. Namely the lovely gentleman who was talking to me and looking deeply into my eyes. Could it be he was looking intently at the hair instead? Now had it been placed circumspectly under my chin as most hairs are I would not have been so disheartened, but much like the wicked witch of the west, it flew freely and boldly on the chin. As with so many things, I have decided to take a philosophical approach to what may be an impending beard. I am not okay with the hair but resigned to the fact that while age brings with it wisdom, body acceptance and a new found appreciation of oneself, it also brings some other not so appealing things. I won't go into them, because the women who are dealing with them, already know what they are. A lot of you reading this may think I should not share this type of information with men. Whyever not? Though they may not share. they too have some stuff going on that they'd rather not think about. My thinking is this is the package that God has given me. It is fearfully and wonderfully made and I am thankful for it, Fu Manchu whisker and all.

2009-05-05T08:58:00.001-07:00

Surviving Life's Transitional Moments
Job losses, layoffs, deaths, the end of relationships are all times of profound transition in our lives. How do we get past the changes and move forward in our lives.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1702395/surviving_lifes_transitional_moments.html

2009-04-30T17:28:00.001-07:00

National Poetry Month: You - Free Verse
It's the last day of National Poetry Month. We have been charged with the task of writing free verse. My chosen mode of writing. Hope you enjoy
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1700793/national_poetry_month_you_free_verse.html

Perseverence

2008-06-14T22:25:00.000-07:00

To keep going day after day in the face of what seem to be insurmountable odds is to persevere. Despite the best efforts of circumstances we keep going moving forward, ever mindful that despite what we face today, tomorrow's another day. The bible tells us that joy comes in the morning. One cannot continue to experience the dark night of the soul and greet the morning's joy. To co-opt a very popular ad campaign, life comes at you fast and so it behooves us to be vigilant. As you open your eyes and survey the world and realize that it wasn't a dream, know this, you will persevere. Despite the losses and the anguish you will survive and you will thrive. Be of good courage and take heart, you are not alone. There is someone somewhere who knows how you feel and they have overcome. Take heart that someone, somewhere has walked in your shoes. Be victorious and persevere.

Persistence

2008-06-10T11:05:00.001-07:00

Persistence is the act of persisting. Persist is another way of saying don't give up. A friend sent me an inspirational story. Rather than try to remember it, I will simply reprint it here.

Giving Up Too Soon(Author Unknown)
A man meets a guru in the road. The
man asks the guru, "which way is success?"
The berobed, bearded sage speaks
not but points to a place off in the distance.
The man, thrilled by the
prospect of quick and easy success, rushes off in the appropriate direction.
Suddenly, there comes a loud "SPLAT."
Eventually, the man limps back,
tattered and stunned, assuming he must have misinterpreted the message. He
repeats his question to the guru, who again points silently in the same
direction.
The man obediently walks off once more. This time the splat is
deafening, and when the man crawls back, he is bloody, broken, tattered, and
irate.
"I asked you which way is success," he screams at the guru. "I
followed the direction you indicated, and all I got was splatted! No more of
this pointing! Talk!"
Only then does the guru speak, and what he says is
this: "Success IS that way. Just a little PAST splat.

It is tempting to just give up when the knocks get to be too much. However, Usually the blessing is just beyond the pain.

Believe in the Other Side

2008-06-06T15:57:00.000-07:00

I recently wrote an article about a situation I went through and some people remarked on it. It got me thinking about trials and tribulations. Even to the most positive among us, things happen. The difference is how we get through it. Perseverence and perspective are two things that will serve you well no matter who you are. If you are dealing with something right now then you have no perspective. So let me encourage you. If you have stumbled on this page and trust me it's no accident if you have. Stop right where you are, whatever you're doing. If you're preparing to yell, curse, pop a cigarette in your mouth, take a sip of coffee or wine or even scotch, or maybe just bawl your eyes out. It could be a million other things. Whatever it is. Stop...... Take a long slow breath. Think about what's going on. Whatever it is. Perhaps the wolf or the barbarians are at the door. Maybe everyone is going to know. You will live through this. Let me repeat myself. You will live through this. You will be stronger and wiser and in time forgiven. Just hold on. I believe the fervent prayers of the righteous availeth much. Even if you aren't feeling particularly righteous, ask God to renew your mind. I mean ask him right now. Lord renew my mind. If you can't say anything but LOrd. Say it with your whole heart. If you aren't a particularly religious person and you're going through a lot of crap, perhaps now would be a good time to give the big man a chance. If you are not so inclined, then still believe help is nearby. You don't have to believe in him for him to believe in you. What ever the problem is, you will survive. You may be five or 95. If you're old enough to read this, you are going to be okay. Don't give up. Keep the faith and believe that you are coming out on the other side.

Associated Content

2008-04-01T07:32:00.001-07:00

Get this widget!

2008-02-21T09:42:00.001-08:00

Create Your Life

2007-02-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

If money were no object, If fear were no object, what would your life look like? If you were the director of your movie and your budget was unlimited, who would star? Would you be an adventurer or a much sought after sleuth; a dynamic diva much admired throughout the world, a bestselling novelist sought after all around the world for your unique literary perspective, a performer selling out stadiums and hobnobbing with other stars, or a a bejeweled jetsetter rubbing shoulders with princes and kings. Would you be a philanthropist flush with enough cash, resources and willing workers to truly affect the world’s social ills?

Perhaps you prefer a simpler direction. A happy life, surrounded by people who care about your good above all things, a joyous marriage where you are very much in love with and attracted to one another, a deeper more profound spirituality, a successful business with positive cash flow and phenomenal profits or the ability to offer long term assistance to those hurting in your community or town.

Maybe you want to experience true wealth and prosperity in your mind, body and spirit. Many believe that being wealthy is about being rich, but if you are rich but spiritually or physically unwell then you are not truly wealthy because you are unable to live and experience your life fully. I'm sure you’ve heard the stories of people with all the money in the world who still commit suicide or turn to drugs because their minds are not at ease. They are casting about for true peace and prosperity, not just what money can buy.

Regardless to what your desires are, you can achieve them. The first step to doing anything is changing your mind. Creating a new mindset is key. The bible says to take every thought captive. That means to take control of your thoughts. When you take control of your thoughts your life will follow. Where you focus your energies that is what expands. Negative words, feelings and emotions beget negative circumstances. Positive words, feelings and desires beget positive outcomes. Have you ever met someone who is never happy, always had something bad to say about themselves or others or perhaps you are that person. You are never happy and you feel the world never goes right for you and sure as shootin’ it doesn’t go right. What we focus on persists. So the key is to change our focus, craft our thoughts, believe we deserve and are worthy of the good things that we desire and manifest them. Perhaps this sounds like some hocus-pocus but it is not. The bible says to call those things that are not as though they were and that if we believe faithfully the desires we pray for will be ours. Perhaps a note of caution. It’s been my experience that the things we desire should serve the highest good. That doesn’t mean that you can’t want cars or televisions or things like that but you must desire these things in a pure fashion, not to best someone else or to flaunt them. If you are in this type of mindset you are missing a crucial point. There is enough abundance for everyone, so for you to have does not mean that someone else will not have.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. To say this another way, faith is believing without seeing. Without seeing the how, the why, the when, we lock in on the belief in what we want to manifest. A tenant of faith is patience. This is the implementation of the Law of Attraction. In a nutshell, like attracts like.

So start to lock in those things you want to achieve. See your life as you would have it to be. Ask for those things you desire, believe that you deserve them, see them as already being yours and be grateful for the blessings you already have. Gratitude opens the door for more blessings.

Positive Thinking - A Primer

2007-01-21T07:28:00.000-08:00

Therefore I say unto you, what things soever you desire when you pray, believe you receive them and you shall have them. Mark 11:24

Only Believe:

Two simple words, most times relegated to Peter Pan and his adventures. However, belief is the corner stone of positive thinking. We must first believe in the possibility of a thing and then the probability of a thing and finally the reality of a thing. Once we achieve this belief and hold it within our minds despite appearances or feelings then we can set about changing our circumstances. The bible verse above is about faith, but what is positive thinking but the implementation of faith. For many people the words positive thinking and affirmations conjure up visions of new age practitioners and crystal packing Wicca’s. But faith by any other name is still faith.

Internal Dialogue:

We don’t arrive at the places in our lives and with mindsets that we have by accident. The things that we internalize create the personalities that we have. Our lives are akin to a harvest. The seeds of doubt, uncertainty and inability that may have been implanted in our minds as we developed grow into weeds that choke off our happiness. To begin root out all the doubts and misgivings we harbor about ourselves, the first thing that has to change is our minds. We hold truths about our selves to be self evident based on years of internalization. But as it turns out many of the seeds that have grown into the weeds that are choking off our lives were planted by errant words or misguided individuals. When someone makes us feel dumb or inadequate or incompetent at our most vulnerable then we begin to internalize those ideas about ourselves and before long we are living our lives as if those labels fit us. Many of us grow into adult hood with those labels or feelings lurking just below the surface. No matter how much or how little outward success we achieve we are never quite living the lives that we could because our psyches have been branded. Have you ever wondered why some people with seemingly perfect lives aren’t happy? Perhaps the reason is because their inner sanctum is in turmoil. Who they believe they are bears little resemblance to what people see. The beginning to achieving internal balance is to modify our internal dialogue. Many times we condemn ourselves based on nothing more than the words of others. We don’t test the efficacy of their statements. We simply buy into them and live accordingly. So how do we break down years of faulty programming? Well I’m glad you asked. This is where affirmations come in. An affirmation is a positive key that you use to unlock the potential that lives within you.

Repetition:

For along time I knew about affirmations but I didn’t really understand how to make them benefit me. I would say them for a while but without true conviction or belief. My mindset was so ingrained that whenever I spoke something positive to myself my inner being would deny it. For instance, if I said to myself “I am a winner” and what would come back to me “no you are not”. I learned that in order for affirmations to be successful that I had to say them until I believed them. Chipping away at years of faulty programming was and is no easy task. Everything within us wants to remain at the status quo. Any upheaval to the current program is dispatched with haste. This is why perseverance and repetition is so important. For many of us we didn’t get to be the people we are overnight and we aren’t going to abracadabra and change ourselves. However, as time goes on we become more open to positive self talk. There begins the road to truly being able to embrace a life of positivity and abundance and more importantly being able to truly enjoy it.

Things You Should Know

2007-01-16T16:53:00.000-08:00

1. You have value

2. You are strong

3. You are smart

4. You are blessed

5. You opinions are valid

6. No one defines your success but you

7. Your voice should be heard

Believe in you

Love you

Accept you

My Mom

2007-01-13T18:20:00.001-08:00

mymama,
originally uploaded by demetria2.

This is a picture of my mom when she was about 23 years old. I think she may have been pregnant with me. She died five, almost six years ago now. I miss her tremendously. Time heals everything but just when you think you've got it licked something will happen and a mother's voice is what you need. Making a move to pick up the phone or to send an email only to realize that she's not there. Our relationship was fraught with drama but there was nobody on this earth that I loved more. I know not every parental relationship is great but really make an effort to appreciate what you have because all too quickly it's gone.

Me

2007-01-08T19:07:00.000-08:00

Cloned Meat, Not So Fast

2006-12-29T07:12:00.000-08:00

Why, have farmers stopped growing good old regular cows? Do I really want to eat animals that the FDA only undertook a cursory study to determine he efficacy of eating? No. A recent study. If they said. We have spent twenty years serving cloned meat to our children and on our dinner tables and none of our offspring have been born with four eyes or hooves or anything that may be construed as unseemly, I'd find that acceptable. What kind of recent study? The long term effects of eating cloned meat cannot possibly be available since the process is not old enough to be mainstream.

Equal education

2006-10-29T11:47:00.000-08:00

Hi all,
I haven't really had time to get over here and I haven't really had a lot to say but recently something has been niggling at the back of my mind. Actually it's just a question I have. The American ecucational system and it's inequalities. I understand that the haves always have more and the world appreciates a boot strapper and concessions and scholarships are available to allow the less fortunate entree into the upper echelons of high societym but why did these things need to be put in place. I believe it is in part to cover over the glaring lack of preparation and curriculum shortfalls in some of our country's most unfortunate school districts. Families who can hitch their dreams to a star in the guise of suburbia with it;s better schools and availability of services but for those left behind in our nations slums the suffering continues. Children can learn. When babies burst forth from the womb into the world, they for the most part start life on equal mental footing. Taking for granted the geniuses, prodigies and gifted few. However most of us start out with the capabilities of learning. The only differences for most is where you are born. The penalty for being born into poverty is steep. Inadequate curriculum preparation, lack of programs that foster creativity in young minds, outdated and inaccurate textbooks. Children deserve to start out on equal footing, regardless of where their zipcodes are. In some ways the poor and downtrodden masses have lowered their expectations of themselves in response to the larger societies lack of expectation. Preparation is the key. In financially viable sectors children are prepared from day one to embrace their birthright and their innate greatness. In more financially desolate sectors, children are counted out before they are even given a chance.

In Retrospect

2006-08-25T15:41:00.000-07:00

Everything must change

In the days following the levee break in New Orleans, I remember poignantly seeing the word REFUGEE splashed across my television screen and the huddled masses crying out for help; any help. Crying out for water, ice, food, any of the things that only hours before perhaps they’d taken for granted. Refugee - one seeking refuge. This is America, land of the free, home of the brave, land where our fathers died and so on. There are no refugees here. But, looking at those faces, the need, the want, the disbelief; the horror crystallized my understanding that anarchy is not so far removed from us after all. This could have just as easily been a foreign land, some third world country without even the barest of necessities. Perhaps that’s why so many took offense to the term. None of us wants to acknowledge how quickly things can fall apart. The very things that we put our trust in fail. The Superdome - undoubtedly a superstructure – was no shelter against the ravages of Mother Nature. Everything is transitory. When we set about to define ourselves as infinite, nature reminds us that we are not.

Nothing stays the same

In a moment, in an instant all you hold dear can be gone. The things that you believe are forever vanish in an instant. But more than the destruction of structures there is the laying open of festering wounds. The bearing of age old hurts. All the hatred and inequality living in New Orleans bubbled to the surface, buoyed by the cresting waters of the swollen Mississippi. Floating like bodies in the dank and fetid waters of change.

On Becoming

2006-08-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

In recent months I've spent a significant amount of time going over my life in excruciating detail to determine how I went wrong. However, I determined that my assertion that I messed up is based on my assumption of what defines success and achievement. The realization that perhaps the path that I am on is configured differently than someone else's and maybe just maybe I'm not meant to live anyone's life but my own. Maybe I just am approaching life at a different pace or from a different angle. Perhaps these are just things I tell myself so I'll feel better. I'm not a attempting to make my inadequacies seem smaller than they actually are but I am attempting to embrace the whole package that is me. When things are not going the way that we think they should we tend to rake ourselves over the coals and never get the lesson that is in the pain. I'm not going to climb on the hokey bandwagon and regale you with tales of silver linings, but there is something to be said for downturns. Appreciation grows from overcoming.

Dog on Bike - Nuff Said

2006-08-18T13:23:00.000-07:00

The Pursuit of Happyness - A Must See

2006-08-16T15:48:00.000-07:00

This Christmas Will Smith brings the true story of Chris Gardner's road from homelessness to becoming a stock broker, to the big screen. If you've ever had a dream and circumstances seem to be against you, then you have to see this movie. The core of the movie is that you never give up, no matter what. Follow this link http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/thepursuitofhappyness to see the trailer and hear Will Smith talk about the experience of bringing Mr. Gardner's life to the big screen. This movie is sure to be an Oscar contender or the Academy has no soul. Mark your calendars now.

First love never dies

2006-07-26T22:46:00.000-07:00

First love never dies. Even when you try to kill it with practicality, time and distance, it persists. Just the cadence of a voice over the phone line and the distance and time falls away and all that is left is memory. Memory selective;not sullied by historical accuracy. No memory of infidelity and disregard challenges the utopian recollection where the relationship existed without anger or harsh words.Rose colored remembrances wherein we have no inkling of how we let the love of our lives get away. The ache never leaves. The grass looks greener from our vantage point. Life looks emptier at the sound of that voice. What seemed acceptable only hours before now looks cheap and tawdry. Memories of what could have been consume. Hours of productive time lost to recalled lovemaking so passionate that you can't imagine that you survived. Echoes in our eardrums cause us to assess and replay the implication. First love breaks our heart again and again.

Truth???

2006-07-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free

Each of us believes that when we hear the truth that through some magical manifestation of neurons we will recognize it and know that it is the truth. With a cloud parting clarity the truth will break forth. Yet for most of us truth is subjective. Leaders in authority look into cameras and feed us a line of bullshit so incredibly earnest as to evoke thunderous applause and yet we know deep down that they are simply playing us. Husbands fresh from the crotches of nubile young nymphs arrive home in a cloud of essence o' pussy and somehow convince their wives that they are to blame for the clump of pubic hair causing the frog in his throat. Our children convince with charming toothpaste grins that we should not worry about their time on the internet and when they go missing we lie to ourselves that our children are different, above the fray. Somehow they've gotten mixed up with the wrong crowd. Talking heads from inside our televisons lie to us incessantly. Buy our furniture, skin cream, clothes, weight loss gizmo, skin lightener, skin darkener, penis lengthener, hardener, vaginal tightener, orgasmatron, whatever and you will be happy. Insidiously happy news people tell us of one horror stacked atop another and yet we lie to ourselves that "everyone's alright really". Our mask of Christopher Robinesque innocence safely in place. Red politicians lie to red voters and say our way is best. Blue politicians lie to blue voters and say our way is best . One has only to cast a glance out of the window to see that no one primary color has the answers. What we need are purple politicians telling the people, "hey we're just as screwed up and scared as you are and we think we got the answers but we really won't know until everything shakes out." Educators in poor school districts encourage their underaeducated parents and teachers to continue to send their children into a system that is designed to make the vast majority of them failures. A system that says to them subpar is better than nothing. Based on your socioeconomic background and inadequate social skills you should be happy that we give you substandard text books with antiquated information and send you into a higher education system that you are ill prepared for. Rappers from the right or wrong side of the tracks lie to our children and convince them that there's no future in working for a living, get you some gold grillz, some six pack abs and some young women willing to get naked on the off chance that they might get an illegitimate child for a baller and your road to success if paved. And watch out now because I'll be damned if it ain't. Violence runs rampant and experts lie and say it's not what you see on TV or hear on the radio or imbibe from the internet that's to blame. That's a blatant lie. Our children's brain networks and neural pathways have barely formed and yet they are exposed to the seedy and the seamiest the world has to offer. Can we possibly be so foolish to believe that it doesn't have an effect on them. Come on now. Even Ray Charles can see that is some foolishness. Chalk this up as the off the cuff ramblings of someone who should have been in bed hours ago or find the grain of truth amidst the lies that we are told and the ones we tell ourselves.

Wacky History Lesson

2006-07-14T23:45:00.000-07:00

Actually I was going through some papers here at home and I ran across my copy of these student bloopers that were compiled by Richard Lederer. I laughed until I nearly peed on myself. Who doesn't need that kind of laughter in their lives. For more from Richard Lederer check out the website, www.verbivore.com or pick up one of his hilarious books; Anguished English or Crazy English.

This history of the world has been compiled by Richard Lederer from actual student bloopers and mistakes collected by teachers.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In on of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the 6cPilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Richard Lederer

It's hell to be po'

2006-07-09T20:11:00.000-07:00

It's a shame the way they do po folks. As a po folk I feel justified in my outrage. I am one of the uninsured millions. If you have a job and insurance coverage consider yourself blessed. It is hard to be poor and sick. If you've never had to sit in an emergency room surrounded by people who are sick and tired then you can't possibly understand the anguish of not having. The knowledge that your plight or that of the person next to you is so inconsequential that you can sit undisturbed for hours at a time. Employees pass and glance in with pitying looks. They are probably thanking God that they have insurance and therefore do not have to suffer this indignity. I know there are places worse than our county hospital. Places where people wait for days to be seen. That is the crux of the problem. The American healthcare system is in CRISIS, Crisis with a capital C. The Research and Development costs for new medications are increasing so astronomically that even if you are lucky enough to be seen by someone in the emergency room, there's no guarantee that you'll be able to afford to purchase the medicines that are prescribed. It seems that there should be a more egalitarian way of treating people. Until a few years ago I was gainfully employed in what would be termed a good job and had insurance. The contrast of being insured and uninsured is palpable. A person with insurance seems to matter. They have a quantifiable worth, while those without are made to seem as nothing. Having stood on both sides of the fence I can say that as a country we have to do something. It's not just healthcare. It's utilities and food and entertainment. The gap between the haves and the have nots is a vast chasm that is expanding exponentially. Pretty soon the basic necessities will be out of reach of a large part of the population of the world. The inability to have access to adequate healthcare is the tip of the iceberg and as Al Gore will tell you; even that that iceberg isn't what it used to be.

College - A brief history of me

2006-06-23T23:31:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here reminiscing about college. I had a lot of fun in college. You know learning stuff and all. It was the getting out that kind of gave me a few issues. I kinda just went and went. It'd be great if they gave you credit for the hours in college. Hell I'd be a double PhD. Well they don't give you credit for that. They fully expect that you will attend college with an eye to finishing. Coming out of high school, I thought I was on the fast track. Only to have my hat handed to me by the college experience. Upon arrival in my first physics class, I knew I was in way over my head. I call it my first physics class because the physics I took in high school, did not even bear a nodding acquaintance with what was in that large and extremely impressive book that everytime I cracked caused somnolence to rain down on my head like a deluge. Not being able to open my physics book without falling asleep. Not the best start for someone who has decided under undo pressure from family expectations to major in of all things Electrical Engineering. I didn't know what it was then. Still not especially sure.

I like to tell a humorous story about the final days of my EE education. The death knell began in an 8 o'clock class(That should have been my cue to leave right then.) I've always been a night owl, how I even thought I would get up every day to go to an 8 o'clock class - didn't I mention it was an every day class. Well it was. Anyway, I remember it well. Statics and Dynamics. To those of you who know what that is, I bow at your feet and give you reverence. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm dumb, just too stubborn to take the hint and get out. I'd gone to as many classes as I could wake up for, but alas even with a TA, I was a lost cause. Mind you this is after hanging in for two years. I was like that party guest that should have left early but just kept hanging around hoping I'd figure out. Drop the class!!! I know you're probably thinking it but noooo! That would be too much like right. I felt like I had to try to pull it out. Based on my background and socioeconomic status I was lucky to be there so it behooved me to try and take one for the race. So again there I was with no earthly or planetary idea of any kind what was going on. So I had this bright idea. Final Schminal, I'm going shopping. God knows I'm not going to know what's on the test so I may as well console myself with new shoes and dresses. Well a right thinking friend prevailed on me to go to the final. Let me just say, she had her work cut out.

Finally, I said okay. I'd like to tell you that once I got into the class that a miracle happened. That angels sung and birds chirped and the formula's sprang fully formed from my mind to the blue book. I'd like to tell you some other lies too. Just as I suspected I didn't know what the hell I was looking at. I am not using any names, well except mine which is on the blog, to protect the innocent or at least a professor that I will forever be grateful to. Back to the story. I looked at the test. I drew some circles, a few radii and I even sprinkled a few pi around just for good measure. However, the truth was there in those lone pi just hanging out. I was going to fail; crash and burn; bite the big one; suck swamp water and a whole lot of other things that were not very becoming. I like to think of this as perhaps my most ingenious moments ever, but then that's not saying a lot for my life so far. I had nothing to lose, so I decided to write the professor a note. Here now I will share with you as much of the note as I can remember. Kids don't try this at your schools. "Dear Professor _________ as you can see from looking at this test, I have no clue what is going on in this class. If you would please give me a C, I will not trouble you further. I realize you owe me nothing, but I throw myself on your mercy. If you do this, I will change my major and when I drive down the street I will not even cast a glance at the Engineering building. I thank you for your consideration in this matter." or some variation on that theme. I'm pretty sure about the first sentence and promising not to look at the Engineering building.

I gave the professor my test and sprinted over to the Liberal Arts building where it's okay to be Undecided. Heavy load lifted, I await my grades expecting that my professor got a good laugh and would be using the story as a Reader's Digest anecdote in years to come. You can imagine my surprise when I got that C. Actually, I'm not sure that you can imagine my surprise. Even now I can barely contain my enthusiasm and that's been quite a few years ago. Even then I knew I'd dodged a bullet. My faith dictates that I give credit where credit is due, so "Thank ya' Jesus". Put 'em up for the big guy working it out.

I enjoyed college. My semester of scholastic probation was especially fun. No one ever talks about the upside of biting it in college. With out books and classes to pay for, you have much more money to party with. I partied a lot that semester. I was everywhere. It's been mentioned to me that I was sometimes in two places at once. I can neither confirm not deny these charges. The good thing is after a while you start pining for structure and order and education. I went back to college with a new found gusto. This gusto led to an extension of the educational process to whit I just hung out learning things. To me becoming educated about a variety of things was the beauty part. According to people who know about these things, this is not the optimum approach to the college experience. Yeah, yeah, yeah, hindsight.

Mine is a cautionary tale of sorts. Cause I gotta tell you, in the work a day world, people are serious about that piece of paper. Having been an entrepreneus for five years, I've decided to take a hiatus and get a job. Prospective employers are not as excited as you'd think they would be to have someone who has run her own business. Granted if they call me for a reference, I'm gonna give myself a good review. I would not trade my college experience for anything. The best eleven years ever.

Babble - Back from the Brink

2006-06-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

Just a babble to sort of clear my head. It's sort of like when they give you a coffee bean to smell when you're testing fragrances. Anyway, I just finished my first spec script. (Read, me patting myself on the back.) Of course now the hard part begins. Letting other people see it so they can give me their honest criticism. While I was driving I couldthink of all sorts of witticisms that I would share with you, but now it's late and I have two loads of clothes that need to dry and all I want to do is go to sleep.

Writer's Remorse

2006-06-09T14:41:00.000-07:00

I was going to plead insanity upon reading my initial blog entry in the cold, startlingly harsh light of day but I decided that I will not be ashamed of my interest in Brad and Angelina. I am woman enough to admit that for some part of the day, I am not consumed with how the people of earth will determine to destroy themselves. As I am a denizen of earth that dilemma does give me pause.

This is just a quick blurb. I have writing to do and my character's are running through my head with scissors and turning on the gas burner sans flame. Off I go to take them in hand. I'll holler back later.

The Jolie-Pitt Clan

2006-06-08T23:59:00.001-07:00

Sure for my first post, I could have chosen a hard hitting Kevin Sitesian topic that would provoke thought from here to Peoria but it is 1:57 AM and anybody with sense has been asleep for at least three hours. Up at this hour, the mind has a tendency to wander. So as my my mind is wandering, I got to thinking and partaking in one of my guilty pleasures; People on-line.

So I get to see the gorgeous Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. For a woman who just had a kid Angelina Jolie looks fabulous. Not washed out or drug out. I guess if I'd had a baby with Brad Pitt, I'd make it a point to be looking good. Of course this got me to thinking more. Say about the Brad Pitt - Jennifer Aniston breakup. Yeah, because I know somewhere they are sitting around wondering about me. (As if) I know I'm weighing in late but hey it's my late night blog. So as I was saying. You'll find that I am tangentially challenged. If there's a tangent to be gone off on, I'll go off on it. Hey but I always come back. So as I was saying, how could Brad Pitt not fall in love with Angelina Jolie. For my money, her body's not that great, but hey I'm not a white guy. But her face, my word but she's beautiful. If that was all she brought to the table she'd still be pretty formidable, but add to that she's a cultural dynamo.

She cares about people. I mean she cares about people that many of us don't give two thoughts about on any given day. That's impressive. I mean how could Jennifer compete with that. For all of you who don't think it's a competition. Whatever. She's already rich so she certainly doesn't have to be fannying about through the third world, so obviously she does it because it's her passion. You gotta respect that. I'm not saying that Jennifer isn't a giver, so don't everyone who loves Jennifer get your knickers all wadded up. I'm just waxing about Angelina and Brad.

Brad, there's a guy to love. Getting past the fact that he broke Jennifer's heart. Getting past the fact that he is hot as FYAHHHH!!! You gotta love a guy who embraces your passion like he does Angelina's. The fact that he's hot as a pancake griddle don't hurt.

Well I'm running out of steam so I will leave you with the dulcet strains of Brad Pitt sizzling. Hope to be back soon.